When the worst takes over
by sazwilkie
Summary: Christian and Syed face, what could be, the only thing that could break them apart. Rated M for language and some upsetting chapters.
1. A plea

A silent figure lay still on the bed, his head clear as the dreamless sleep he'd involuntarily lost his battle against conquered his tired body. Fully clothed, his slumber remained as his lean frame shivered above the bed covers. He knew only one thing would rouse him from his sleep, only one possible action would awaken him, always with a smile and a leap of his heart, and that was the arm of the man that lay beside him each and every night. That man, however, was absent from his side tonight.

Syed stirred as his subconscious told him he was sleeping alone, that the side of the bed that should be filled with the warmness he adored beyond words was empty. The sheets, usually burning from Christian's intense body stayed cold, neat, smooth. The duvet, constantly wrapped around the lovers as they fused together to make one lay neat on the bed, Syed motionless above them. Even in his empty dream Syed knew he was missing but the fatigue and his constant chanting throughout his lonely evening had won the battle over his mind. His worry was ridiculous, his panic unneeded. Christian was out having fun, just like he'd told him to. Over and over he'd repeated in his mind that he was enjoying himself, catching up, talking to old friends. Nothing was wrong.

His mind may have been fooled by his words but never his heart. Deep inside him he knew something was amiss. His beating heart could feel a pain that wasn't his own. Something was wrong, something he couldn't quite put his finger on, but something nonetheless.

* * *

In the dimly lit room Christian lay begging on the metal bed. The pain searing through his stiff upper body as he tried desperately to free himself. He couldn't be here, he needed to be at home, wrapped in the arms of the only person that could erase it all from his mind. Syed. He needed Syed, he was the only one who could make all this go away. His eyes closed tightly as he remembered, the pain, the helplessness, the way his body had been pulled and pushed, picked up and hit until he couldn't take anymore. Shaking his head to wipe the memory he opened his eyes and searched for the face that had brought him here, forced him to stay where he was, away from Syed. The eyes avoided his own and Christian knew then that there was no point. He was stuck here, trapped in the small cold room. Syed... staying in his thoughts was the face of his lover, his friend, his soul, and that was all he needed. He had to find his way home to him. Bracing himself for a struggle from the man at the foot of the bed he sat up quickly, only to be pulled back down from behind. He hadn't seen the second man, stood behind him to make sure he didn't move, ready and waiting to pounce on him the moment he showed any attempt to get away.

_'Just get it in him will you?'_

The scream left Christian as his arm was pulled out and he saw what was about to happen. The moment he realised he tried to kick the man to keep him away. But there was no feeling in his legs and he shivered as the cold trickling feeling started to surge through his arms. The numbness began to fade the moment the needle punctured his vein and his head pounded harder than it ever had before. Whatever they had given him had been strong.

_'Please... please!'_

His words echoed through the room as the man loomed over him trying his hardest to keep the muscular man still.

_'Please don't! No!... No! Syed!... SYED!'_

Everything went black._  
_


	2. Patience

The shrill ringing filled the room with such volume Syed shot up from the bed quickly. His head, shocked at it's sudden change from slumber to reality, tried it's best to clear the hazy painful vibrations his mind seemed to have. Christian, it was obviously Christian. Who else would call him at...? He turned and tried to focus his eyes on the clock beside the bed, but the thickness of the night compared to the bright flashing light that accompanied the ringing was to much for Syed's eyes to adjust to so soon. The sleep now rubbed from his eyes Syed weighed up his options. He was half tempted to let it ring out. No doubt Christian was drunk and ringing to tell him he was on his way home... hoping he was still awake so he could do everything that had been running through his mind all night. The smile widened on his face as he realised he'd missed him, missed just having him near him. Some nights they spent hours saying nothing, engrossed in each others company and the simpleness of a film or programme on TV. But they were always together, their bodies wrapped around each others, barely an inch of one not touching the other. Of course he'd missed him, he missed him when he was stood right beside him for haven's sake. But Syed had insisted he went out, almost pushed him out of the door when James had come over.

James.

He'd turned up, having heard that Christian and Syed were now together and, Syed supposed, he wanted to see it for himself. There was no doubt in his mind that James knew Syed was the reason he and Christian split up all those months ago. Looking back Syed wondered just how much of a fool James thought he must have looked like, running to him when it had ended, asking his advice, wondering if he knew if there was someone else. Syed simply had to give the man credit for coming back here, for facing them both when he quite easily could have stayed away. When he opened the door to him he didn't really know what to say. He could see from James' face that he wasn't surprised to see Syed standing there so the explanation of why he was there wasn't needed. Neither was his worry. James' simple _'I'm glad he found someone to make him happy_' comment and his genuine smile paved the way for Syed to relax, lose the apprehension that had suddenly began building in him and he welcomed him in to their home.

_'What are you doing here?'_

Christian, as subtle as usual.

_'Charming! I came to see how you were, how you both were'._

He turned and smiled at Syed here, there really were no bad feelings in him and Syed couldn't deny the relief in him. Neither could Christian. He had known James for so long, been through much with him that he'd hated the way they'd parted. He couldn't deny the alarming feeling he had when Syed had rushed in to the bathroom and told him he was there. He failed to notice the relaxed look on his face, instead he was worried that his old friend had come to stir up trouble, cut all ties between him completely. James and he went back so far that he really didn't want to lose him. But if he made him choose then then he'd had a wasted journey. So, as he left the bathroom, he went in to 'Christian mode'. Cocky, funny, everything James remembered him to be. But the act wasn't needed, that much was clear the moment he hugged him. He was back as a friend and a friend only. _'Don't worry, I am so over you!_' he whispered in his ear as he greeted him and Christian laughed.

So the catch up began and slowly it turned in to lunch, then a drink, then dinner. As both James and Christian talked and reminisced about old times and the things they got up to when they were younger, Syed sat and listened, never for a minute feeling left out. Both kept him involved, often to spill the secrets of each others tomfoolery which made Syed laugh.

Christian couldn't understand it then when Syed told him to listen to James, go out to a club with him, have fun, catch up just the two of them. _'He's come to see you, you should go_' he'd told him. But when Christian had looked at him with his 'I don't want to bring this up but I have to' look in his eyes Syed almost laughed. '_I know_...' he told him as he'd tidied the loose collar and run his hands down his neck '_that you don't want him. I trust you_'. A small kiss on his lips was all both needed to satisfy, albeit temporarily, the need they had to be alone together.

So Christian left and ten minutes later the barrage of text messages had started. First they were sweet declarations of love, but slowly, as the drink undoubtedly started it's effect on him, they turned dirty, describing exactly what Christian was going to do to him when he got home... twice. Syed blamed the drink for the change and his spelling. At one point it took him five minutes to decipher exactly what Christian had tried to write. He smiled when he worked it out.

He gave up and, reaching out for his mobile, he cleared his throat and fell back down on the bed as he readied himself to hear his sweet and sultry voice. He turned himself around and saw the time. 4:47? This wasn't late, this was worrying. Rubbing the sleep from his eyes he answered it without looking at the name on the screen,

_'Where are you? Do you have any idea what time it is?'_

_'Is this Syed Masood?'_

Syed sat bolt upright in bed again at the sound of the stranger's voice, his eyes opening as wide as they could go. He held the phone in front of the face and saw that the number calling wasn't Christian's, it was a landline.

_'Who's this?'_

_'Mr Masood, my name is Sister Craig at The Royal London Hospital...'_

His heart dropped in to his stomach as he felt the bile rising. Christian.

_'Christian... wha.. what's happened?'_

_'Mr Masood we need you to come to the hospital if you could.'_

_'Why... what's happened?'_

_'Mr Masood...'_

_'Please stop calling me that, just tell me. Is it Christian? Is he OK? He's not...'_

He couldn't bring himself to say it, think it.

_'Mr Clarke was brought in in the early hours of this morning. He's been asking for you.'_

Syed had no idea how but as his eyes came back in to focus he found that he was out of bed, half dressed and pulling on a jumper.

_'Please... what's happened? Has he been beaten up? Has he had an accident? Please just tell me.'_

_'I'm sorry but I really think it would be best if you came in. The Doctor will need to speak to you and it's better that he does that face to face. Please don't worry, Mr Clarke isn't in any danger now, he's been sedated to help him sleep.'_

Sedated?

_'I'm on my way'._

* * *

The ten minute ride to the hospital, although passed in a blur, felt like a lifetime to Syed. The taxi had turned up quickly and after telling the driver where he needed to go Syed remembered very little of the journey, only the thoughts in his head. Christian, beaten? Bruised? Broken bones? What if he'd been hit by a car? He had no idea what to expect so he turned to look out the window hoping the peacefulness of the early morning would sway his thoughts. But that was pointless, everything reminded him of Christian. Every insignificant thing somehow made him appear in his head.

And then he was inside having no recollection of leaving the car or even paying the driver. But he knew he was inside, the smell of sickness burning his nostrils, reminding him of the last time he was in the building. His suicide attempt.

_'Please... I need to find my boyfriend.'_

He rushed up to the receptionist as soon as the blurry image steadied itself in his mind.

_'Name?'_

_'Christian Clarke.'_

_'And his name?'_

_'That is his name!'_

The receptionist looked at him unimpressed. Yes, he felt like telling her, I know it's Saturday night and you no doubt think he's just another pissed idiot that's taken a fall but I don't care!

_'Please... I had a phone call from a nurse, she told me to come in.'_

Suddenly she sat up.

_'Do you remember her name?'_

_'Um...'_

Syed searched his brain, why the hell couldn't he remember?

_'..I I can't! Shit!'_

He looked around as the faces turned to stare at him.

_'Sorry..._

He told them.

_'Sorry'_

He repeated to the receptionist.

_'It's OK. Just... relax a minute, try and think of her name. It'll make finding him quicker.'_

Syed closed his eyes and racked his brain when he remembered..

_'Craig! Sister Craig!'_

The loud clicking of the keyboard as she tried to locate Christian, just another statistic to her, was almost deafening.

_'He's on ward 9. Take the stairs, turn left and follow the signs.'_

_'Thank you... thank you!'_

Syed took the stairs two at a time, bounded through the door and finally found ward nine. He banged the door until it was opened and ran straight in to a security guard.

_'Whoa! Calm down, there's already enough injury in this place don't you think? Who are you here for?'_

_'Christian, Christian Clarke.'_

_'OK well head to the desk over there mate, they'll point you in the right direction.'_

* * *

40 minutes later and Syed's mind was hanging on to his sanity by a thread. He'd be passed from nurse to nurse, doctor to doctor, even a porter at one point. But still he was nowhere near to seeing Christian. At first the excuse was 'the Doctor is still with him', 'I'll just find someone else for you', 'I'm sure the doctor will be with you soon' and finally 'he's still sedated'. They'd walked away before he could ask if he could just sit with him, he didn't care if he was awake or not he just needed to see him. Syed looked at his watch, 3 minutes until until 6am, he'd give them until then before he'd start demanding.

_'Mr Masood? I'm Dr Harris.'_

Syed spun around. Finally!

_'Please, can you tell me what's going on? No one will talk to me, they won't look at me...'_

Syed almost clung to him as he spoke, his desperation obvious but he didn't care. He needed to know what the hell was going on.

The doctor walked towards a small room and motioned Syed inside. Family room? Why the hell did he have to go in there?

_'Mr Masood? If you will?'_

Slowly Syed walked in, bracing himself for the worst as the door shut behind them.

_'Look, just..._

He took a deep breath

_'… please just... just tell me what the hell's going on!'_

_'Please, sit down.'_

_'I'd rather stand'_

_'Please Mr Maso...'_

_'Stop calling me that!'_

The silence clung to them in the small stuffy room. Syed couldn't breathe, he needed answers and he needed thm now, but he knew he needed to calm down. Whatever it was he was about to be told needed to be listened to carefully, not heard through a furious mind.

_'I'm sorry.'_

Syed sat down.

_'Your partner, Mr Clarke, was brought in this morning, just a little after 2:30 am. An elderly gentleman couldn't sleep and decided to take his dog for a walk, quite common for a Saturday night he said..._

Syed stared at him, unimpressed by the way the conversation was spiralling off topic.

_'...He found him half hidden down a small side street close to the nightclub he'd attended last night.'_

_'Found him? What the hell do you mean **found **him?'_


	3. The heartache of reality

**Please accept my apologies in advance to anyone who finds this chapter upsetting or disturbing. I do not mean to cause offence to anyone who has had the unfortunate experience that I am about to describe, nor do I claim any personal knowledge of it. I do not mean to cause any upset, I am telling this from a fictional point of view.**

* * *

_We took a urine sample from him the moment he woke up..._

_And?_

His head was spinning, nothing, absolutely nothing that the doctor had just told him had been taken in by him. Christian... lying in a side street... unconscious..? It just didn't make any sense.

_And we discovered..._

The pause was enough to grab Syed's attention. He spun around out of his trance and knew immediately from the look on the doctor's face that this was going to break him. Break Christian.

_Tell me... wha.. what did you find?_

Why did Syed feel like he already knew the answer? Why, when all he could think of was getting to Christian's side as soon as he possibly could was his mind forcing the most despicable of thoughts on him? He held his breath as he waited for the reply.

_...Rohypnol._

_Rohy..._

The word spluttered from his mouth. Syed knew the name, he'd heard it used often. On the news, stories passed down from friends of friends. Oh he'd heard the name alright... and what it was used for.

_He wa..._

He couldn't say it, the bile in his stomach was rising through his body, burning his throat as he swallowed it back down. Oh God the images that flooded his mind were vile, repulsive. Evil.

_He was raped?_

The word stung him. His mouth and throat dried up and the sour bitterness of his own vomit made its way back again.

The Doctor nodded slowly, his eyes never leaving Syed's face. In a strange way he was glad Syed has said the word, it was step one at least of him realising it had in fact happened.

_Date rape. _He corrected him out of habit.

No... No! This... It was to much, this... this couldn't be happening! This was his life, Christian's life, their life! This wasn't supposed to happen! It wasn't even a thought that would ever enter their heads. How was... what the... what? His thoughts couldn't fuse together in his mind. Nothing made sense anymore. Christian, who the hell would do something like this to him? Who the hell would want to destroy his life like this? His footsteps echoed as he stumbled around the small room, his hand occasionally wiping his eyes, covering his shocked mouth. Christian, oh God my poor Christian!

_How... h... how is he?_

Syed's hand rubbed his thumping forehead and he spoke through his closed tear sodden eyelids. He just couldn't take this in, it felt like the worst nightmare he could ever have. That's it! This... this hell, it wasn't happening. He was still at home. They both were. Any second now Christian would feel him writhing against him in his nightmare and wake him and he could just... make it all disappear.

_He's still sedated._

The soft voice broke his hope, it was.. it really was happening. He shook his head as he corrected himself. It already **had **happened.

_Wh.. why?_

_When he was found by our paramedics he was still unconscious. His breathing was laboured, slow... _

Oh god. The thought of him all alone with some stranger in an ambulance chilled Syed to the bone.

_He woke up soon after we transferred him to a side room, naturally he was afraid. We had to sedate him to keep him calm._

_Calm?_

Syed looked up. Calm? Was he serious?

_Yes, calm. At least until you got here. Your name was the first word he spoke, he kept asking for you over and over. That's why we rang you and not his sister. He only seemed to quieten down once we told him you were on your way._

And now he was trying to make Syed feel better?

_So... why sedate him? I mean... if he was... calmer... why did you need to...?_

Somehow Syed doubted that Christian was anywhere near being calm.

_He wanted you there there and then. When he was told you were on your way he couldn't wait._

The feeling inside of him took a sudden change. The shock, although still there, was now being replaced with reality. It was starting to hit him. So many unthinkable questions were running through his mind. So many answers he never wanted to hear but knew he needed to were waiting for him, he knew that. Now he had to bite his tongue and listen to them.

_Does he... does he remember... anything?_

_A little, not that much yet._

_Is that normal?_

The Doctor nodded again.

Syed felt his eyes close tightly and his body just... let go. All the strength he'd suddenly realised he'd been bottling up inside of him just... disappeared. He stood by the window, the blinds swaying slightly as the breeze passed through and he cried. Really cried. His hands quivered, his whole body shook as the sobs consumed him entirely. No... he couldn't handle this, it was... it was to much. Christian... it was Christian! He was strong, he was... he was everything. This was **not **supposed to happen to him!

The doctor could see the upset, the pain that took over him and he knew this was going to be awful, but he had to do it. Slowly he began.

_Syed... Rohypnol is normally used to treat insomnia or depression. By itself it's fairly harmless. It's when it's mixed with alcohol that it becomes its most dangerous._

_How.. dangerous?_

_Well..._

The doctor sighed into a pause. He'd lost count of the amount of wives, husbands, girlfriends, boyfriends, parents he'd explained this to. He'd never stop either. This would always happen, he'd never be able to say he'd never have this conversation again. He felt it was best to explain to them how this harmless drug became lethal and what it did to their loved ones, that way, when the worst came, they we almost prepared.

… _If it's been combined with alcohol or other drugs Rohypnol can impair a persons judgement, their motor skills. It can cause memory loss or blackouts that can last between 8 to 24 hours after it's been taken. Sedation from the drug can occur as soon as 20 minutes after ingestion though._

Syed shuddered. 20 minutes? That soon. He had lost the battle the second he'd drunk it. There was no way anyone could ever stand a chance in that short space of time.

_The effects will peak within 2 hours and may persist for up to 8 hours or more, depending on the dosage. It does seem that Christian didn't consume a large dosage thankfully._

_How do you know that?_

He spun around and wiped the tears from his eyes. The doctor, now in focus, rose and walked slowly towards him.

_He remembers what time he left his friend. He was brought in just 2 hours later where he woke up. If he'd had a large amount then... he'd still be unconscious now._

He couldn't help but scoff his answer.

_That's supposed to make me feel better is it?_

_No. But it might make him._

_How? How the hell is that going to make him feel better? _

His voice rose again but he was oblivious to the quieting motion the doctor made with his hands.

_It still happened didn't it? He still went through it... he's still been rap..._

He couldn't say the word, not again. Once was enough.

_Mr Masood..._

_Please, stop calling me that. It's Syed OK, Syed._

There was an awkward silence from Syed, an understanding one from the doctor.

_Syed... Most people who have been through this, with this drug... they never remember what happened to them. The stronger the dose the more they forget. It totally wipes their memory of everything that happened. Most aren't even conscious when it happens. Those people, they spend their entire life not knowing what happened to them that night, they can never have closure. So few people are in the situation that Christian is in now._

_What? Are you.. are you telling me you think he's lucky?_

_No.. no of course not._

The doctor, his patience like a saint, had seen Syed so many times through the years. Sure his face always changed, his body, his gender. But still he'd seen the look he wore, the worry and fear he felt. The sheer desperation that someone would tell him it was all a lie. He had to make him see that Christian had had a lucky escape.

_What I'm saying is that Christian knows what happened to him. It's shady and broken at the moment but slowly it will come back to him. He will remember Syed and when he does he will be able to face this. He's strong and he's tough and he _**_will _**_get through this. Those that can't remember can never do it. They slowly destroy themselves because they can't get that closure. Christian, he can have the closure so many are desperate for._

_I don't get it... I__ mean..._

Syed, the pieces slowly falling in to place in his head, started thinking a little more clear. James... where the hell was James when this happened? Why did he notice?

_... he wasn't alone, he was with James! He.. he should have spotted it, seen something was wrong!_

_Not really. When Rohypnol is in your system you appear to be drunk, display no sensible coordination. Your eyes become blood-shot, your speech is slurred. Basically you act as you would if you were drunk. His friend, James? He wouldn't have noticed the difference, especially if he'd been drinking as well._

Syed turned his back to the doctor, every shard of information whirling around his already overflowing head. He couldn't look at his face, not when he was about to ask him the worst of all.

_Does he know? What happened. Does know that he was...?_

Syed held his breath, waiting for the word that would pierce his heart a thousand times over.

_Yes._

He felt it, right in his heart he felt the pain, felt it scream. No... I can't take this he thought. This is not happening!

_But... it's Christian! I mean... he's... he's so... big... Strong..._

His tears fell thick and fast. The only image in his head right now was one he couldn't bear to see. Christian, lifeless on the floor, completely at the mercy of that fucking bastard that had rendered him helpless. Syed shook his head as he saw him move above him, his face as the satisfaction came, the trousers of them both around their ankles. What he was doing to Christian, it was...

_I just don't get how someone could... I don't know... drag him somewhere! He's just so strong!_

_We know._

The doctor smiled a small smile.

_It took 2 of our men to keep him still to sedate him._

_How could someone move him? I mean... he must have been like a dead weight to them!_

_Syed, this drug, it renders those who take it helpless._

_He did **not **take it._

He spun around as he almost spat the word in his face.

_Sorry. What I mean is those who drink it, they feel its effects quickly. The second it's in their system there's nothing they can do about it. I've already spoken to him, tried to get some kind of understanding of how he came to be where he was in the state he was in. As soon as he told me how he felt I knew. Drowsy, disoriented. Remembering nothing then slowly have the smallest pieces fall back in to his head._

Syed stood in the silence. What could he say? There was nothing, absolutely nothing that he could think of.

_Syed, his memory of what happened, of everything that happened, will stay blank in places for as long as the drug is in his system._

_And how long will that be?_

_There's no set time to it._

_Roughly?_

_24 hours. There is a high possibility that he'll never remember._

Syed sighed. The final question had to be asked.

_How is he? I mean..._

The doctor nodded.

_There's no damage. His organs are working fine, his heart and blood pressure are steadily getting back to normal. He'll be fine._

That's not what Syed meant and they both knew it.

_There's... there's no permanent damage Syed. No tearing, no rip. A little bruising but that's to be expected. He's.. well, he's fine._

_How... how is that possible? I mean, if it was..._

He gulped as he said the word.

_... forced, shouldn't there be some kind of... I don't know... _

_Not really. The drug relaxes the muscles in your body, every muscle. The anus is no different... We ran a few other tests, including internal ones. We're still waiting for the results of a few but we had the results of the internal examination back within the hour. _

Syed nodded, he couldn't see through his tears anymore... he'd given up wiping them away.

And? Is he... I mean there's nothing... wrong... is there.

_No, nothing at all._

Finally, Syed thought, something he could feel relieved about.

_We found traces of latex in his tissue. A condom was used._

Syed nodded. It was little comfort to this hellish nightmare.

_He'll need you to be there for him._

_Of course I'll be there for him._

_He wont be the man you remember, not for a while anyway._

That's for me to decide he thought to himself. Christian, his Christian.. he needed him now. The days of him being the stronger of the two were over, for now at least. Syed was there for him and no matter what it took he would get him through this. Nothing on this earth that would stop him being there to help him through this. Nothing.

_Syed?_

_Can I see him? Please._

_Of course._


	4. Selfish Torment

**Everyone, thank you so so much for your reviews on the last chapter. I was beyond worried at what people would say and/or think about this story but looks like I shouldn't have worried! I just hope I can pull this off!**

* * *

This can't be happening, it's just… it's just not… how can this be happening?

Syed's mind boggled as everything he'd heard, every piece of horrific information settled in his throbbing head. He walked behind the doctor, down the long corridor, in a daze, a complete world of his own. He didn't register the people walking past him, the rooms filled with patient's. His eyes stayed fixed on the floor, to afraid to raise his head in case someone saw in them his anguish, his sheer desperation to keep himself together but also his need to hurt, to cry and sob at what had happened to Christian.

The doctor kept a steady pace, turning his head sideways occasionally and seeing Syed's reflection in the windows that they passed. He saw the same look, the same frightened and angry face staring into a world he never imagined would ever exist. The lost look of a loved one whose worry was strong but so insignificant in comparison to what lay ahead for him. If he fell apart now then what hope did his partner have? He knew he'd have to be the strong one now, whatever stance he took in their relationship before was eradicated the moment this happened. Now he was the strong one. But my God he'd never know that strength like this ever existed.

Syed wiped his shaking palm across his eyes, drying the tears that seemed to fall automatically. He had no idea if his tears for falling for Christian or for his own fear because that's how he felt. He was scared, beyond scared. He had no idea what would be waiting for him when he got in to that room, nor did he know how he was going to react. What if he couldn't take it, take seeing him laying there. What if he couldn't shake the image of what had happened to him from his mind? If it stayed there constantly? What would he do if everytime he looked at Christian he'd see him going through that? If he destroyed them, this flawless relationship both treasured in the process? He had always been a jealous person, but this...? This just... he couldn't put in to words how this made him feel. Another man had slept with him, not slept with him, raped him. Taken the one thing from Christian that was only ever his to give, the only thing in anyone's life where they had a right to say no, the most intimate thing a person can do to you was just... taken from him... just like that.

_Syed..? Syed... here, sit down._

He felt the hands guide him slowly down on to the cold hard chair. Suddenly he realised that, for a moment, he had no idea where he was, who he was even. Nothing about him made sense anymore.

_Syed... Syed look at me._

Hands, hands that weren't Christian's were cupping his face, holding him like he held him and he hated it. It... it made him think of _that_

_You've got to keep yourself strong now..._

Syed tried to pull his face away, push his hands from his skin, but the energy had gone and the doctor held his hold

_Listen to me... He needs you, you've got no idea how much he's going to need you._

He met his eyes and he was back, back in the reality that had hit him so hard just minutes ago. Somehow it already felt like he'd been living this nightmare for weeks.

_What... what happened?_

_I think the realisation hit you, kind of like an aftershock. You almost fell down._

Syed dropped his head in to his hands. He was right, why did it take someone to tell him before he realised it? It had fallen in to his head so slowly, his mind had digested it piece by piece but now there was nothing left to take in. It all clicked together in his head, every last sickening detail slotted together in his head and... he just couldn't take it.

_I can't... I can't do this, I can't deal with it!_

The tears started falling again, this time thicker and faster than before.

_I mean... what if I can't do it! What if I can't help him? What if I can't even look at him?_

_You can do this, you have to!_

It was harsh but he knew he needed to say it. He'd seen to many breakdowns of relationships over the years, to many men walking away from their women, to many women pushing away their men.

_You have to do this Syed OK, he needs you to help him. If you don't... what then? He'll slowly fall apart. Do you want that?_

_Of course not! I love him! I.. I just... I mean why? Why the hell did this have to happen?_

His hands shook as his voice grew louder.

_I just... I just want it all to... go away!_

_And it will. Slowly, and together, you both can make this fade. It wont be easy Syed, I'm not even going to pretend and insult you by saying it will. He's not going to wake up one morning and be back to normal, he's going to go through hell first. But if you're there, if you go through that hell beside him, both of you... you can do this._

Syed sat there in the silence, his sniffing breaking it momentarily. The corridor was empty, dim, almost eerie and Syed was suddenly aware of how exposed he was.

_You love him?_

Syed nodded as he looked in to his eyes.

_Then be there for him. For now, that's all you have to do. Just be there. Cry with him, hurt with him, listen to him. Just be by his side._

The silence swallowed his thoughts. Christian, it was all about Christian! How the hell could he think like this when he was the only one that mattered? He was the only one that had ever mattered and now he needed to see him, touch him, hold him in his arms and try his damned hardest to make him whole again.

_How long will it be...? Before he wakes up?_

_We'll starting waking him as soon as we get there._

_You can wake him?_

The doctor nodded, smiling slightly at Syed's surprise.

_Can I see him? Now?_

_Of course. But… maybe it would be better if you took a moment to yourself, dry your eyes. Clear your head._

_Clear my head? Clear my… Can you hear what you're saying? Can you even imagine what is going through my head right now?_

He heard his voice rise higher with every word that left his mouth, heard it bounce off the walls that surrounded him, but he couldn't stop himself.

_All I can see… in here…_

He hit his temple hard

_… is him, lying on the ground of some dirty alleyway… afraid… naked. Screaming._

He swallowed hard as the bile rose up again. The acid in his mouth and the salty tears from his eyes combined with the images in his head were to much. Syed was at breaking point again. Every time he felt himself settle slightly his head almost mocked him and showed him that image again, that same image he knew he'd see for the rest of his life.

Dr Harris saw that , finally, he had cracked completely and was slightly relieved. His experience had taught him that to have the loved one break down before seeing the patient was safer for everyone. As thoughtless as it sounded he found, through his experience, that to have him, or her, break down before they saw their other half was the best for both parties. The questions, the tears, the anger… everything flowed in front of him, not them. He knew they couldn't help themselves, it was the most natural reaction of a human being, to get angry when their heart had been broken. But his patient was his concern and they did not need to see the person they needed to rely on break down before them.

_Can you imagine what that feels like? I didn't even know my mind could think this sort of shit up! I can hear him… I can hear him begging him to stop.. I can hear his voice!_

_Syed… Syed! You have to stop this OK, think of Christian._

Syed's head shot up quickly

_Wha..? What the hell is that supposed to mean? All I can think about is him! Have you not heard a single word I've just said?_

_Think of him now, not then. He needs you now but he needs you to be strong for him. He may not realise it and if he does he probably wont admit it but he's going to rely on you so much to get him through this._

Syed shook his head and wiped his eyes. Pull it together Sy, he thought to himself, smiling as he realised his shortened name sounded better coming from Christian, have his voice say it, not his own. He could do this, there was no doubt he could do this. The cloud had been lifted and he realised that, against all the odds, he was going to get him the hell through this. He and Christian, they were in this for the long-haul. No sick fucker was going to rip them apart. Standing up he dried his eyes for the last time and took a deep breath.

_Ok… OK I'm ready. Can I see him please?_

The doctor turned to Syed, smiled and nodded.

_Unless you want a few more minutes peace and quiet?_

The joke wasn't taken in bad taste. Syed knew the man was trying to relax him make him smile even. But there was no doubt he knew how he was feeling.

_Here we are._

Syed almost crashed in to his back as he stopped in front of him. He blurted out before he could stop himself.

_Is he..._

Catching himself he stopped. Did he want to know? Or did he just want to see it for himself?

_What Syed? Ask me... After I open this door... Well ... Everything's going to change._

_His face..._

His eyes closed as he asked it, almost ashamed of himself for thinking of his appearance. But he had his reasons, he really did. If there were no bruises it might help him, make him see the old Christian. But what is he was covered in the physical reminder of what had happened? What then? Shaking himself again he stood taller. No more Syed, this isn't about you. Just remember that.

_… Is as you remember it. No cuts, no bruises, nothing. His body though... there is some bruising on his chest and back..._

Oh God, thought the doctor, here we go, here's where we could go back to the start, have him lose himself again

_… and between his legs. I wont lie to you Syed... his groin and it's surrounding area is fairly badly bruised._

Hold it together Syed he kept repeating. Just hold it together.

_Ready?_

Not really he replied truthfully.

_Come on._

_

* * *

_The dimly lit room was filled with a bed, a motionless man. But Syed found it impossible to look at him. His eyes darted from the metal bedstead to the light above it to the machine and it's rhythmic beats to the window and the sun struggling to appear through the clouds outside. Why couldn't he look at him? Why were his eyes so desperate to look anywhere but at him? And now he knew what the doctor meant. He needed a minute to piece it all together. He'd done it outside but somehow, in here, in front of him, it all seemed different, even more real. He needed this time to take in what has happened to the man lying before him with him there. But he couldn't hide from this anymore, he couldn't keep thinking of himself. Slowly he told himself, just... Do it slowly. So he forced his eyes and started at the foot of the bed and Christians feet, covered by the light blue blanket. His focus stayed there for a few seconds before his eyes slowly travelled upwards and over his legs. His long strong legs, still and silent. Syed shook the image of the last person that had been between those legs, forced them open and he moved his gaze upwards until he saw his fingertips, peacefully resting above the covers. He held his breath as his eyes stayed fixed on his hands, the small scars and burn marks he'd had from working at MQ suddenly interested him. He'd stared at Christian's hands a thousand times before, could count every mark, every blemish, every hair. So why did they suddenly look so different, so alien to him? They were the same hands, the same loving hands that he had held in his own, the same hands that had cupped his face, run through his hair. Why did he feel like he was looking at them as if for the first time?

Moving upwards once more saw his arms. His strong smooth beautiful arms laying still beside his body. Syed felt a pull inside him to run up to Christian and wrap himself in those arms just like he had done every night since they'd been together. Safe, he always felt safe inside those arms, laying against that chest, the one that was slowly rising and falling, almost in a perfect rhythm to the machine beeping beside him. That was it, there was nowhere else to look, he'd run out of excuses... He had to look at his face. Closing his eyes he took a moment to picture Christian as he remembered him, the Christian that woke him up each morning with a smile and a kiss. The same Christian that he caught looking at him when he thought he couldn't see him, smiling to himself just like Syed did when he was caught gazing at him in the same way. What if, when he opened his eyes, he wasn't that man anymore? What if he couldn't see him The way he used to? For gods sake Syed! He told himself. Can you hear yourself? This is Christian! What the hell is wrong with you? He was getting tired of telling himself the same thing over and over again, this isn't about you! It'll never be about you. It's about him. He was right, of course he was right. This was Christian, his Christian. And no one would ever, could ever, change the way he saw him.

There's only one way he would ever see him and that's the way he always saw him. Nothing had changed, nothing. He took a deep breath, ready to see the beautiful face of the man he loved and, slowly, his eyes fluttered open.

There, before him, he lay just as Syed remembered him. Just as beautiful, just as perfect, just as breathtaking.

_Syed?_

The doctor called him in from the doorway.

_Are you coming in? I'm going to start waking him now._

Syed nodded as he stepped in to the room, closing the door behind him.


	5. Fear to Believe

In his mind Christian could feel the pangs of his angry reality pushing their way to the front of his nightmare. He was still there. Unaware of his actual surroundings and the love that was waiting for him when he opened his eyes Christian was re-living his hell in his drug infused state. But his head, no matter how much he begged it to, his head just wouldn't let it stop. Over and over he saw it, saw him. In his mind it was still happening, repeating itself over and over until it threatened to drive him mad. Everything was still so strong for him, still so disgustingly real. The looks, the surroundings... the smell. The pain, the helplessness... that vile smell of him .. it was all still there. He was re living it, why the hell was he re-living it? His blood boiled as he remembered it, all of it. How could he have let this happen?

He still saw it... still saw the night sky and the rain hitting his face as he lay on the ground. And he saw his eyes, his dark blue eyes laughing at him as he turned to walk away, happy, satisfied, spent. He saw it all and hated himself. He had to stop this, he had to.

But something was... something wasn't right. He... he wasn't still there. He didn't know how but knew he wasn't there anymore. Slowly and hazily it started to piece back together in his half asleep mind. The ambulance, the bed, the screaming as they drugged him... Hospital. He was in hospital! He was safe! Safe and away from him. But Syed? Where was Syed? He'd asked them, begged them to call him, begged them to bring him to him. So where was he? Why wasn't he here?

His feet... He could feel his feet again, he could feel them because they were cold. Painfully cold in fact. Slowly he moved his toe and, as if that triggered his entire body, he began to feel the sensation rise up his legs, his chest and down his arms to his hands. His entire body was cold, freezing almost. All except his right hand. He registered it with his mind and the faint warmth that engulfed it. Oh god, was he still there? So much was missing apart from the only thing he wanted to forget about. What if he'd dreamt up the hospital, the bed, the safety. What if he really was still there?

His hand, he could still feel his hand over his but... it wasn't. As he looked harder he saw _his _hands, both his hands, were beside his face, flat against the floor as the held his weight above him... He wasn't there, he wasn't in the nightmare anymore. It wasn't _his _hand he could feel over his. As the actualisation finally hit Christian the images inside his head switched and changed at a speed so quickly that he barely had time to register what, or who, they were. _He _got up and left him. He was alone as his eyes closed. The bright lights inside a moving vehicle, the dim light of a cold room.

He wasn't there anymore... that hand he could feel, warming his entire body... he knew that touch, that warmth anywhere. He wasn't there anymore he kept repeating to himself. He could feel, touch, sense, smell. Urgh, the smell! It filtered up his nostrils and woke his blood. The sour smell of disinfectant and hospital food... hospital! he told himself again, you're in hospital. He was brought here, filled with more drugs, promised that they'd bring him Syed... Syed! Syed was coming to see him, find him... help him. Relaxation seemed to flow over him, glide over him as though an invisible breeze had started at his feet and slowly made its way upwards. It was over now, all over.

His ears... he could hear sounds again, hear a faint beeping slowly growing louder bounce around inside his head. He could hear his own heavy breathing and was finally able to link together the sound of his breath and the filling of his lungs. And he could finally feel again, feel his chest rise and fall, feel the air on his skin. The hand, he could feel the hand that engulfed his own and the soft thumb that was gently rubbing it. He knew that hand, that beautiful hand as its image made its way to the front of his mind. He was home again, it was over. He was home and he'd found him.

But the fear that this wasn't reality, that, in his panic and desperation to avoid the painful reality that was happening to him... _had _happened to him... that he'd dreamed up this safe haven, this room away from it all kept him in a semi trance.

Syed. What if he'd dreamt up he was there...? What would he do when he opened his eyes to find himself still staring up at the night sky...? That it wasn't Syed next to him but... _him_. Still there... over him, beside him... in him.

But then he heard it. It was a silent whisper but he heard it. The lowest tone from the sweetest voice his ears had ever heard. Syed. It was no trick, no foolery from his mind or the drugs... It really was him! He'd found him. He was safe again... he was with...

_'Sy?'_

* * *

It was barely a whisper, barely a breath from his lips, but he heard it. Nothing could fool him, no worry or delusion could deceive him. His voice... He could never dream up that voice and, despite hearing it a million times before, he could never master to keep its perfect tone in his mind... not really. Yes he heard Christian and everything he'd ever said to him but he never... _heard _him. The reality of his voice was unmistakable, that's what caused Syed to jump out of the seat to his feet, that's what saw him leaning over the bed and frantically searching his face for any signs of him waking.

Relief flooded his body, actually caused his blood to ripple coldly inside of him as Christian slowly began to turn his head towards him, his eyes still closed. He could physically feel the mounting knots in his shoulders un-knead themselves at the movement his lover made. And his heart, the release he felt inside his heart was immense and, although he knew his relief was selfish, he didn't care. Christian... _his _Christian was safe. He was safe and he was waking up. That's all he cared about.

_It's OK, I'm here Christian... I'm here.  
_

That thumb... that beautiful thumb that had run across Christian's lips countless times was now wiping the cold sweat from his forehead. It was such a simple act but Christian felt himself calm inside from his touch.

_Sy..._

_I'm here Christian... I'm here._

Christian opened his eyes slowly and carefully, still not altogether convinced that, when they opened, he'd be there with him. But his green eyes met the intense brown of Syed's and he felt his eyes fill with the tears he'd been desperate to shed all evening. Half in fear and half in sheer relief that now, now that he'd seen him, it really was over.

_Sy..._

His voice broke, as did his barrier, and his tears slowly began to fall.

_Shh._

Fearing it was to much, that any form of contact might provoke some sort of reaction in him, Syed slowly bowed his head down, his lips gently placing a loving, almost protective kiss on his forehead. Instantly he could taste his fear in his sweat, in his skin. Closing his eyes to mask his own tears Syed tried his hardest not to picture what he'd been through, how the last few hours would haunt them for the rest of their existence.

_Sy... I'm... I'm so sorry.  
_

He pulled away from him, genuine confusion in his face. Sorry? What the hell was he apologising for?

_Sorry...? Christian, what...?  
_

_Sy I was...  
_

_I know. I know Christian... I know.  
_

He stopped him, he had to stop him. Again, knowing he was appeared selfish, Syed shook it from his head. He couldn't hear it. Not from him. Not from those lips... that voice. He just... couldn't.

He bent down and kissed his forehead again, breathing deeply and taking in his scent. He refused to let this thwart him, destroy how he saw Christian. In his eyes he was perfect, he always would be. But his tears, his tears still dropped down on Christian, their sobs echoing through the room together.

_I know and... and I promise... I'll make this..._

What? What could he possibly promise him? That it'd all go away? That he could somehow erase it from his memory? Make it so that it had never even happened? But he couldn't he knew he couldn't promise him any of those things, that his empty words would only come back to haunt him. So he held him, held him in his arms and made the only promise he knew he'd never break.

_I wont let you go through this alone Christian... I wont ever let you do this alone.  
_

He pulled Syed close into him, momentarily forgetting that he'd finally moved his arms and sobbed in to his chest, his grip in him tightening with every second.

_Hey, hey, hey. I'm here now. You're safe OK. You're safe.  
_

Syed pulled him closer to him and felt him break in his arms. He felt his weakness overtake his body in his arms and sobbed harder. He had to fix this.

_Sy it was...  
_

Did he let him go on? Did he let him talk about it? Could he listen to it? He knew he had to, he wasn't naive enough to believe that this would be able to disappear without hearing it. Trying to mask his deep breath he took Christian's face in his hands and held his gaze, his soft eyes hopelessly failing to mask his fear tried their best to silently tell him he was OK, he needed to hear this.

_Tell me.  
_

Christian looked in to the petrified eyes of his lover and realised that he couldn't. He couldn't do it to Syed. He couldn't let him listen to it, to the horror he knew would kill him. He loved him to much to do that to him.

_Just hold me. _


	6. Face to Face

In his arms he felt his entire body melt and he finally lost control. Safe in his warm and loving embrace Christian finally felt protected from everyone and everything and he simply... let go. Nothing could hurt him now, not now Syed was here with him, holding him, fixing him. He cried harder into his already sodden shoulder, the realisation of how he'd never fully appreciated just how secure and unscathed Syed made him feel hit him hard. But today he realised, today was the wake up he felt he'd been ignoring. So he clung to him, his sobbing face falling slightly, finally resting in his chest, Syed's hand carefully holding his head, inviting him to weep into his warm chest. Christian's relief that he wasn't running caused the tears to fall impossibly faster. Everything, everything came to a head inside his mind. All the hurt, the fear, the shame he could feel bubbling through his veins just... gushed from his eyes. Slowly his cries became louder, his grip on his shirt-sleeve tightening, but he couldn't stop himself. The more he tried to hold them back the louder and harder they came.

Syed tried to keep it together, tried to fight back his own tears but nothing worked. Closing his eyes as tightly as they'd allow him only made them fall faster, rolling his eyes and fixing his gaze on the ceiling did nothing but make them gather behind his eyes. So he, just like his lover, let go. But his tears fell silently, his sobs stayed in his mind. He couldn't let Christian see him fall apart too. Over and over the Doctor's words played in his mind... he was the strong one now... Christian needed him to be strong. The pain welled up inside him and he stood, holding his seemingly fragile lover, and he wept silently. He was hurting too, he was just as afraid as Christian, just as hurt. No. Not that last one... he couldn't even begin to understand how much he was hurting. But he was hurting for him, his pain was for him and the nightmare that was on its way. Syed saw no reason to hide from the truth anymore. What had happened to Christian was just the beginning. The hell had only just started.

The pain in his hand almost stung, his grip on his shirt was so tight that his nails almost tore through the fabric. But he didn't relax his hold... he couldn't. He was to afraid that, if he let him go he'd run... leave him. Syed was his strength, he knew that now, God did he know that. He couldn't let go, he just... couldn't. What if this was the dream? What if he'd loosen his grip and watch him just…. slip away? He cried harder at the thought, he cried harder at the silent tears he felt slowly drop on to his head, knowing Syed was breaking but trying his hardest to be strong for him. And he cried harder as he realised that his tears would never ever stop, his eyes would never dry and his heart... it would never heal. He pulled himself into him tighter than before, hoping, praying to God that Syed wouldn't let go of him. He didn't know what he wanted from him, what he expected him to do. But he just prayed that he'd keep holding him.

He felt the playful tickling on his chin, almost mocking him as Christian's sobbing body shook from his tears. He held him as tight as he possibly could, tighter than he ever imagined possible while the river continued to flow down his cheeks. He had to hold it together, he had to show he was strong for him. What chance did he have if Syed couldn't be strong for him? He knew that's what he had to do but… how the hell was he going to do that?

_'…Sy…'_

Syed gasped back his tears at the sound of his voice, uncoiled his hands from his short hair and gently pulled him away from his chest, prepared to see the broken face before him. He winced at the barely recognisable face staring back at him. The tears had streaked his face, tinged his skin a burning red. The end of his nose was inflamed and his eyes, his captivating green eyes, were barely visable, fused with the bloodshot veins that dominated them. Who the hell was he? Where the hell had Christian gone? He searched those pain-filled eyes but drew a blank. He wasn't there anymore. This… this man before him was broken, halved. He still looked the same, still had the same face, touch, scent. But his Christian… the Christian he fell for was fading before him. He could see it, in those red eyes, he could see the life wither away inside him and he was scared for him. He was such a strong person, unbelievably proud and… so sure of who he was and what he wanted. But Syed saw none of this when he looked in to his eyes. All that stared back were the terrified windows to an empty soul.

He was going to let this beat him.

His eyes… how could he even look into his eyes? How was he not running away from him, leaving him behind? It was no more than he deserved. How could he have let this happen? What the hell was wrong with him? His selflessness consumed him as he realised that, for Syed's sake, he had to let him go. He had to do this for him. What sort of a life would he have if he stayed? It was pity that would make him stay, the guilt of leaving him that would play on his mind would force him to live unhappily. That wasn't fair on him, on either of them. He had to let him go.

Reluctantly Christian reached up and pulled Syed's hands from his face.

_What? What is it? Christian...?_

The pain in his eyes couldn't be hidden and Christian almost recoiled in saying what his mind was begging him to. Hi heart however, that screamed at him, howled it's own private tears. Almost knowing that the heartbreak that was about to come would be unbearable. Syed was his heart after all and he knew, of course he knew, that if he listened to it, if he stayed quiet, he'd spend every day wondering, thinking, believing that the relationship was no more... it was a sympathy situation. His eyes closed as he stedied himself. God this was going to hurt.

_Sy.. I… I want you to leave.  
_  
There, he'd said it. He was right... it did hurt. The words burned his mouth as they left him and he felt his heart scream its protest but he'd said it. He had no choice. Syed was to precious to spend his life in this misery. He had to let him go. Another would come along, make him happy... give him the life he so deserved. The life Christian could only dream of now.

_OK_.

His casual smile, his easy reply... it killed Christian. Just like that? He didn't know whether to feel insulted or relieved. He... he was giving up? Just like that?

_I'll wait outside OK. _

_What? _

_I'll wait outside... until you wake up. Sorry I... I didn't think. You must be so tired. _

Syed reached out to him and dried the tears under his eyes with his thumb, sighing at how soft they'd made his skin.

_No… _

He didn't get it, he wasn't listening. He so desperately wanted him to hear the hidden meaning. He was scared, scared to say the words he'd always regret but knew he had to. He had to... he kept repeating it over and over again.

_I wont be to far, I promise… _

He had to...

_Sy… _

_Furthest I'll be is getting a coffee... _

_No, Sy... _

_I'll get the nurses to keep an eye on you and sit with... _

_...you're not listening... _

Was he doing it deliberately? Did he know what was coming? What he was about to say?

_... you until I get back. It'll be a couple of minutes. _

He had to say it

**_NO_**!

His booming voice echoed around the room, bounced from the walls and echoed inside Syed's ears. No? What did he mean no?

His mind taunted him, begging him to say it. Say it Christian, for his sake just say it!

_Just… leave... Please. _

No... no way! Was he... did he...? Shit Christian!

_But... _

Think of it Christian... think of what would hurt him, what would push him away and... just say it. Forget yourself, forget how it'll kill you to watch his face crumble, see his heart break through his eyes. This isn't about you! Hurt him. For God sake hurt him to save him.

_Just… just go will you. Leave me alone... I don't want you here… don't you get it? I don't want you touching me... looking at me. I don't want you… near me. _

Syed felt the wind knocked from him while the pain pierced his heart like a dagger. Those words... he never wanted to hear Christian speak those words to him. And his voice, he'd never heard it take that tone before. It was as though his words were lined with truth, his lips laced with venom. He didn't speak the words, he hissed them. He was serious.

_Christian... _

It had worked. Syed was hurt, broken. He'd seen him break before but not like this, never like this. His body seemed to slump the second his words hit his ears. He was winning, he was getting through to him. All he had to do now was keep going, keep hurting him. He drew a deep breath, his own pain mirroring Syed's.

_No! I can see it! I can see the way you look at me. I don't need your pity or sympathy. _

He couldn't... there's no way he'd let him do this. As screwed as his mind was Syed suddenly saw clearly. God damn it Christian! Stop being so fucking selfless!

_I don't… _

Cut him dead... keep going or he'll work out what you're doing! His mind, so God damn clear, relayed everything to him. He didn't even have to think it up, it was just... there.

_Oh come on! Just now…? I saw you looking at me Sy! I turn you sick! _

Resisting to hide the laugh that was desperate to be heard, just from sheer disbelief, Syed reached out to cup his chin. Jesus this man infuriated him so much!

_Christian... _

Seeing his hands move upwards Christian moved away but Syed wasn't giving up. He fought Christian's hands trying to batter him away, won against the almost effortless push against his chest. That's when it hit him. That push, that weak push... that wasn't Christian, he could do better than that. Hell, even Syed could do better than that! He wasn't just weak, he was frail. There was no strength in it, no force. It was... nothing.

He stood back and looked at him for a moment, looked at the arms that already seemed to have shrunk and fought back his tears. There was no way he was going to let this happen.

_You want that do you?_

A silence boomed through the room. Go on, Syed thought to himself. Say it. Say the words. I dare you Christian... say them.

_I just told you..._

_Then tell me again. Tell me you don't want me and I'll go._

He watched as he took a step towards him and panicked. Shit! He saw through him! Damn him! He'd forgotten just how well Syed knew him, knew how he could never lie to his face, especially to his eyes. Damn those fucking eyes!

_Listen to me... _

But Syed's words fell on deaf ears. The voice inside Christian's mind spoke louder, driving him by sheer determination. Why the hell couldn't he just listen?

_Christian listen to me! _

Both men fought against each other in a way neither believed possible. Syed, to save his relationship. Christian, to save Syed.

_Christian! _

_Please Sy just go! _

**_CHRISTIAN_**! …

This time it was Syed's voice that bounced and echoed, his voice that swam so forcefully into Christian's ears that he stopped his defence and stayed still.

He'd never heard his voice take that tone before, it was so... forceful. He dropped his head from fear and shame. His voice... It frightened him.

_Look at me… _

_I can't! _

_Will you please... look at me! _

Christian's head fell into his hands. Syed, seeing exactly what he was trying to do wiped his eyes and bent down slightly. He was to afraid to hold his shaking body, to afraid to touch him. He could see he was on the edge, see what he was doing was for Syed's sake... but how much further would he go? What he'd said to him, it physically hurt him. What if the next thing that came from his mouth was worse? He had to make him see.

_You do NOT turn me sick. How… how could you even think that. _

Scoffing into his hands Christian felt his love for Syed burst through him. This. This was why he fell for him. Despite what others thought this was what Syed was all about. Ignoring himself and putting everyone else first.

_Look_...

_Just… just shut up OK. I'm here for one reason and one reason only. And that's because I love you. Now you can see it as pity or whatever. Personally I see it as insane!_

Christian's laugh came naturally, Syed's following. Instantly the tension vanished, the atmosphere was dulcet and Christian... Christian was laughing again. Almost sighing into a smile Syed felt the relief flood his entire body. He was being ridiculous, surely he could see that?

_But it's true. Now… I don't know why you decided to walk in, turn me upside down and let me fall for you… _

_I hardly let you Sy..._

Choosing to ignore him Syed continued.

_And I don't know what I've done to deserve you. _

Again, Christian felt the need to scoff at his words. Syed deserve Christian? Wrong way around mate! he thought to himself.

_But whatever it is… I'm glad I did it. _

His soft voice, so irresistible, caused Christian to look up. The moment their teary eyes met he knew he should have listened to his heart.

_I've never pictured my life to be this happy. I mean I… I look at you sometimes and I just smile. You… you've just turned everything I've ever dreamt of in to a reality! How long have we been together? Properly? _

Christian didn't answer him.

_In these few months Christian... You've made me so happy! I've never smiled so much, my mouth hurts from smiling so much! I wake up and... and I'm happy. Happy to be who I am. I've never been able to say that before. But you... you're the reason. It's because of you that I want to get up in the morning. You've no idea just how much I... how much I owe you.  
_

The tears were back but Christian didn't care, he barely even noticed.

_Now if you think I can just walk away from you because of this… this thing… then you don't know me as well as I thought you did. _

_Sy… _

_No Christian. Look, I'm with you… I love you. You… drive me mad, you never listen. You make terrible coffee and you take up most of the bed! _

Again with the humour! Smiling as his lips trembled Christian lost himself in his words. He had so much love for this man he was ready to burst.

_But I couldn't leave you even if I tried. You… you've no idea what you mean to me, you really don't. _

_Sy… _

Syed cut across him, closing his eyes as he spoke.

_What happened… what he did… it hasn't changed anything. _

_What? How can it not change anything? _

_About how I feel for you. It hasn't changed how I feel about you. I still love you, I still get the same feeling inside when I look at you. When I touch you my heart still stops and my chest gets tight. I… I'll never not love you Christian. I tried that before remember? Didn't exactly work did it? _

The silence returns briefly. Thankful that he'd replaced the images of earlier that evening with the days of when their relationship was secret, kept hidden and all the pleasures that came with it Christian couldn't help but smile.

_This sick fuck, he's done his worst but he's gone now, do you hear me? _

Slowly he nods in agreement as he realised he'd just lost. Syed wasn't going anywhere.

_He's gone. And he failed. He hasn't broken us. _

Taking his face in his hands he looks deep into his green eyes.

_And he hasn't broken you. I wont let him. _

His thumb, slowly but lovingly strokes Christian's face, wipes away the tears that should never have been forced to fall.

_This isn't going to be easy and it's going to take so much time… and patience. But you can do this Christian you can bounce back from this. _

His eyes... his big beautiful brown eyes. God how he wants to believe them, believe his words but... he just... he can't see a way out of this.

_But what if I can't... _

_You can. _

_But… _

_You can... _

There was determination in his voice. Determination and a hell of a lot of faith.

_I know you can. _

Taking his hand he brings it up to rest on his chest, the tips of Christian's fingers hovering above Syed's heart. God he means this he thought.

_So listen to me OK, we both know I'm the boss. _

Their gentle laughter fills the air in an ironic way. _I suppose_, both thought,_ that's the way it's going to be from now on_.

_Sy… I just… I wanted to give you the chance. _

_Chance? _

_To walk. It's... I, I'm going to be hell aren't I? I mean... it's hardly going to be fun is it? _

Smiling he leans down to kiss him but thinks twice. He can't, not yet,. It's to soon. So he settles for the next best thing and pulls his hand up to his lips, planting his never-ending love for him on his long fingers instead. He can't help but smile his reply.

_Who needs fun? _


	7. Confusion

_This?_

_No..._

_How about... this?_

_Sy..._

Christian sighed in to his smile. He tried not to but he just couldn't help himself. The guilt was swimming through his head, confusing his already addled mind because what he felt... at that exact moment in time... was happy. How the hell could he feel happy? How could he just... ignore what had happened? He knew that what he'd been through should be at the front of his mind, tattooed inside his eyes so he should re-live it every time he closed them but, now that Syed was here, circling his hand, talking to him, just being with him... it wasn't. Why wasn't it? It had hit him, he knew that much. This wasn't a case of the calm before the storm. He knew what had happened, knew what he'd been through but, something about him just refused to remember it. He should be glad... so why wasn't he?

_I'm trying to help you._

_Yeah? That smile on your face says you're enjoying it._

Something inside him willed him to remember. He shouldn't forget about this, it was wrong to forget about it... wasn't it? As he lay there he realised that, just for a moment he... he almost forgot about it. Almost. Being here with him, Syed, it just... God he didn't even know what it did. Everything thing else in the world just... vanished. There was nothing else, no one else. Just him. Just Syed.

_I... am trying to see if you're back to normal. You know... see if you can feel me._

Those last two word triggered something inside of Christian. Feel him... God he could still feel _him_... smell _him_, taste _him_. Everytime he blinked he was back there, back to laying helpless under the night sky and _him_... he was there with him. Shit... two words, that's all it took? Two words with a different meaning than what he heard and he was back there? He tried to calm his rushed breathing he prayed for the guilt to return.

Just them he told himself... just Syed Christian. Just... just think of him. Nothing else. No one else exists only the two of you. Over and over he chanted this semi-mantra in his head but it was no use. His sub-conscious was taking over, forcing him to remember. Why? Why did he have to remember? Shit! It had happened, it really had. It was a little hazy, blurry even. And he was confused. The visions, they didn't make sense. He was on the floor, then up against the wall. He was alone with the rain falling in his eyes then he was back up against the wall again... It just... it didn't make sense. Oh God! He remembered more. Why? Why did things have to start falling in to place now? Why did the blurred out images have to become clear now? Not now... please not now. Not when I'm with him... Don't ruin what I have with him, what I feel when I'm with him... Please dear God don't kill us.

But it was no use. What had happened, the... hell... it seemed like years had gone by, not hours. But it had happened... he had been through it, lived through it, survived it... just. Now all he had to do was deal with it. He chuckled quietly. God you make it sound so easy he told himself. Just deal with it Christian... just deal with that face bent over you, grunting above... STOP IT! For fuck sake stop it! It's over! It's... gone! Just deal with it and... what? What the hell was he supposed to do next? Forget about it? Move on? How the hell could he move on from this? From seeing _him _moving above him?

As if blow had been struck to his stomach Christian winced. That image... that image of... _him_... leaning over him, that was new. No, not new. He'd seen it before just hours ago. He just didn't remember it. His eyes stayed locked on Syed's face but he failed to hear his words. His lips were moving but his voice... he couldn't hear his voice. Instead, inside his mind, he heard the echoes of the rain drops as they splashed in the puddle beside him, his satisfied grunts, his heavy breathing. It... I... He couldn't take it anymore. The flashbacks that were swimming around inside his mind were to much. He was back there again... fucking hell he was re-living it all. Syed began to fade before him and he saw it... he actually saw that alley way again, this time with his eyes open and he saw everything. The rain-soaked walls, the moss growing from the ground slowly climbing up the wall. The chipped bricks he tried so desperately to focus on. 'Count the cracks' he remembered telling himself. 'Just count the cracks and by the time you've finished so will he'... it was as if he'd never left. His reality, the bed, the room, Syed... he wasn't there anymore. He wasn't there.

His heart was pounding, his head slopped in its panic and he was scared... someone was touching him, stroking him. Someone was near him and he hated it. His skin, it burned as fingers traced over it, blistering his blood. My God he had to get away from here, from him. His eyes shot shut, stayed tightly closed and he prayed to a God he didn't even know if he believed in to just... help him.

_So, can you feel me?_

That voice... He heard his voice and his head swam more. What the? Syed?... what the?... He was brought back in to the real world so quickly that he felt the bile make its way upwards. The real world... the world that was revolving around him right now and he remembered again. He remembered it was Syed that was there with him, Syed that was touching him, Syed that was sat beside him worried out of his mind. It was Syed for fuck's sake! Despite knowing this and the fear he felt inside him where the happiness lay just minutes ago he still wanted to pull away from him. He couldn't stand the contact, it actually hurt him to know someone was touching him. God he wanted to push Syed as far back from him as he could and he just couldn't stand it. Syed's touch, it reminded him to much of his. It felt the same, his hands, his skin... it was just like him. Then he heard his own voice in his head, the same voice repeated over and over. '_For fuck sake Christian! He'd never hurt you! It's Syed! What the hell is wrong with you._'... A second voice almost whispered back '_I'm scared_'... _'But it's Syed! He'd never hurt you! Never!'... 'I know that but... someone did.'_ _... 'But not him... never him.'_

He forced his eyes open and looked at him. He was perfect, just perfect. God, he couldn't help but wonder at the images that were running through Syed's head. In some weird and twisted way Christian saw himself as lucky. At least he had the reality in his mind, he saw it as it happened. He didn't want to but he did. But Syed... he had to create the pictures, make up the words. He had to start from scratch imagining what had gone on. The guilt flooded back through his body. He couldn't even begin to imagine how it felt for Syed to think those things, to have those images in his head in the first place. He knew nothing and somehow that made everything worse. Christian however, for him his face and what he did would always stay the same. For Syed it could change over and over until it drove him insane.

He started to smile as the sight before him took his breath away. Sat leaning over the bed as he gently tickled his palm, gently scratched his finger tips and pinched his skin was Syed, smiling. Any excuse, he thought to himself. Any excuse not to let me go.

_Christian? Can you?_

Syed's voice took that irresistible cheeky tone as his finger continued it's dragging over Christian's skin. He could feel it, feel him. But only just.

_Yeah, I can. I can feel you circling my palm right now._

Christian held his breath as he watched him bend down to kiss his thumb. The voices in his head screamed at each other, one telling him to pull away while the other told him to relax. It was one just one kiss, one kiss from a man he loved beyond anything. A man he trusted with his life. So what if he was nervous? Scared? How could he not be? After... Don't think about it, just don't think about it. Just... stay here, in this room, with him. Let him touch you again, feel his skin against yours again. It's the only way you'll ever forget about him. Syed will get you through this, you know he will.

But it still scared him and he was never scared, never. That would all change from now on, now he'd feel that fear for ever waking moment of his life. Sure he'd be able to hide it, push it so far down inside of him that he'd go for minutes without feeling it. But it would still be there. Always.

Syed still failed to meet Christian's gaze as he slowly lowered his head. He'd almost pulled back, almost let go of him completely the second the machine monitoring his heart began to beep quicker. He knew he was afraid, of course he was afraid! How could he not be? But this kiss, if you could even call it that, it needed to be done. He had no idea why but Syed knew he had to do it. Just as long as it was slow. Keep it steady he told himself, and whatever you do, keep the mood calm. This couldn't be rushed and, if he did pull away from him then so what? He half expected him to. But when his lips pressed gently on the tip of his thumb and the sigh of relief that escaped both were masked by the other's he knew it was the right thing to do. Just one small kiss, something he'd done so many times each day for the last few months was now an obstacle. One they'd both climbed over but still...

Keep going he told himself. Don't show him you're as nervous as he is just... keep talking to him. Syed swallowed hard before he spoke.

_That's because Christian, you are cheating._

Finally he looked up and caught Christian's glance. God those eyes! He could kill me with those green eyes.

_You're not supposed to look._

He did it before he realised, did it without thinking even. He'd let himself fall so deeply in to the normality he was truing to restore that his hand moved before his mind could stop him. He plucked a hair from Christian's hand and instantly regretted it. It was meant as a joke... Shit why did you just do that? The mili-second that passed before Christian's reaction was the slowest Syed had ever experienced. Why the hell did you just do that? What in God's name possessed you? His mind, almost apart from his own body, screamed the warnings at him but it was to late. All he could do now was wait.

_Aw!_

Christian pulled his hand back and rubbed the spot Syed had wounded. He'd caught him completely by surprise but the fear that was written all over Syed's face spoke to Christian. He knew it was done in jest, that he'd momentarily lost focus of the situation and, in a way, he was glad. This was what he needed now. He knew he'd never forget what had happened, that it would stay with him forever. But that moment when Syed had been 'normal' to him... that's what he knew would get him through this. He didn't want him tip-toe-ing around him, to afraid to say or do something that might trigger it off in his mind. He needed him to be Syed.

Laughing he leaned over and, closing his eyes, he went to kiss him. He knew the second that it happened that the kiss on Syed dropped on his thumb wasn't enough. Christian wanted more. He'd seen him earlier, moments away from doing it himself but stopping himself at the last moment. He knew now that he shouldn't have done that, he shouldn't have felt the need to stop himself. Even now, looking in his eyes and seeing the fear in them of maybe pushing him to far to soon was enough to drive Christian on. Nothing... nothing would ever cause him to push Syed away from him, he knew that now. Just a few seconds ago his worry was huge, but that voice inside his head had won. This was Syed, his Syed. Nothing was ever going to change what they had.

_C'mere_

Syed stayed perfectly still and looked hesitant. Really? Was he really going to do this?

_Sy..._

He moved in slowly, his eyes wide open and watching his face. It was so soon. But this was it from now on. Everything was on Christian's terms. Everything would be done step by step, slowly.

_You sure?_

He couldn't help himself. As desperate as he was to kiss him, to show him some form of comfort, Syed just had to ask. What if he was doing this for his sake instead of his own? What if this would be that finally thing to push him over the edge? What if him feeling as though he had to do this was the one thing that would make him lose him forever?

_I..._

Christian's eyes slowly fluttered open. He was inches away from Syed's face and... he wasn't afraid anymore. He could smell his skin, feel the heat from his body and it warmed him too. But more than that he felt almost normal again.

_...want to kiss you._

Grinning widely Syed began moving closer, their eyes still open and fixed on each other's and their smiles, mirroring each other's, wore the cheeky grin they only ever wore when they were together.

_And seeing as you've just injured my hand it's the least you can do._

_I don't think you're going to miss one hair Christian. You're body's covered in it._

_Yeah well... You should know._

And they kissed. In that moment Christian remembered everything about what it was like to be with Syed. He remembered the love, the kindness, the passion. He remembered it all and nothing else.

Syed lost himself in their kiss, completely forgot where he was, why he was there and what had happened. For those few precious moments where they were joined he was back with him, just as he'd always remembered it to be.


End file.
